It still doesn't feel real, but we're having another baby! I'm due September 30th with baby number two and it can't come soon enough. The journey to this babe was so different than Leo's story. Leo happened pretty much right away. This pregnancy didn't happen when we wanted it. We had to wait, and it was hard. No, I didn't have to wait even close to nearly as long as a lot of women and couples do, but it was still hard for us in regards to where we were in our life and where we wanted to be.
That being said, after some months of trying, the month of November I was certain I was pregnant. Like 99 percent certain. I had all the symptoms, and I was late. Well we'll just say that Thanksgiving day turned out to be kind of the worst for us. And literally, the exact same thing happened on Christmas day. Tell me that that doesn't suck. haha.
Come January, I had really no hope or expectation of a pregnancy. I had even tried to convince Talon multiple times that we should just take a break from trying for awhile because I couldn't handle the constant ups and downs every month. I would still be sad, but at least this way it was under my control. He never agreed though, and was always more hopeful and faithful than I was. He would always tell me how strongly he felt that it would happen soon but that this baby was busy with something important on the other side and wasn't ready to come to our family quite yet. I liked the idea of that, but honestly I couldn't help but feeling like what I wanted didn't matter to God. And it was for multiple reasons that I won't go into here because this is supposed to be a happy post after all! And it is! I just had to preface it with a little bit of the journey because it wasn't smooth sailing this go around.
Anyways, the last week of January I started feeling my typical monthly symptoms. I'm pretty sure that every single day that week I cried to Talon that yet another month was going to pass by. He kept asking me how positive I was about not being pregnant, to which every time I would tell him 100 percent positive. And I was that positive that I wasn't. But a few times throughout that week I would have little thoughts that I could be or that I even might be. But I would quickly dismiss them because it seemed like wishful thinking, something I had fallen victim to several times while trying to get pregnant. Well that Thursday night I couldn't sleep because I was waiting to start my period but it wasn't happening. I knew I had one pregnancy test leftover and figured that if I took the test I would immediately start, because that had happened a few times already. But I didn't want to see another negative test so I forced myself to forget it and go to sleep. I woke up on Friday January 26 and couldn't stop thinking about taking the pregnancy test. Talon had left for work, and I had just sent Leo off to spend the day with his grandparents. I was getting ready and similarly to when I decided to take a pregnancy test for my first pregnancy, something took over me and before I knew it I was in the bathroom taking the dang thing.
I was shaking. With 100 percent certainty that it would only show one line, TWO lines showed up before I could even put the test on the counter. I was shocked. My jaw dropped and I screamed out loud, "What?! I'm pregnant!?!?" And I immediately covered my mouth and started crying. Bawling really. And thanking God for letting it happen. One of my big fears about our journey the second time around was feeling that when it finally did happen, I wouldn't be grateful for it. A part of me genuinely felt that I would only think, "It's about dang time. Freaking finally. Sheesh." Because of the expectations I had but the reality I was living in. I was honestly relieved that that wasn't the case. I was nothing but grateful in that moment. In the time since that moment I have had questions and doubts about God's timing but again, that's nothing I need to go into here.
So back to it! I couldn't stop staring at that test. I was in complete disbelief. I knew Talon would be coming home for lunch soon so I got myself together because I really wanted to surprise him with the news in a fun way, but I wasn't prepared for that yet. I hid the pregnancy test evidence and when he came home I did my best to act melancholy. haha. It was so hard not to tell him but I knew a surprise would be so much better. I dropped him back off at work and went to Target because a part of me still didn't believe I was pregnant. I grabbed a pregnancy test, bought it, then went straight to the bathroom in Target to take it. When it said "pregnant" I was so happy and still couldn't believe it but knew it was real. I got a few things we needed at Target and then went to a party store to get a huge white balloon. I had just enough time to race home, tie a few ribbons to the balloon and tie the end of the string to the pregnancy tests I had taken along with a little note that said, "Looks like you're going to have another birthday buddy, see you October 1st, Daddy! Love, Baby #2! :)" (Talon and Leo's birthdays are in October, less than a week apart. I had calculated my potential due date to be October 1st, but it was moved up to September 30th. Whatevs.) I left it in the middle of the living room and went to get Talon. It took everything in me to wipe my giddy smile off of my face. And the whole way home I was talking about anything and everything under the sun except babies, Leo, and pregnancy. It's only about a ten minute drive home luckily.
When we walked through the door Talon saw the balloon and said, "hmmm, what's that?" And I thought he would figure it out right away but he didn't say anything else so I told him to go and see. He just looked at the balloon and then saw that it was tied to something. He was literally holding the pregnancy tests in his hand with zero reaction! I was trying not to burst with the news and also burst with laughter because how did he not realize it yet?! Just goes to show how unexpected this was for the both of us, even though we were trying. He finally read the note, and a little confused he looked at the tests and it finally clicked. He just looked up at me with a huge smile on his face and was like, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? You're pregnant!?" And I just nodded to confirm. He was so surprised, and hugging I started telling him the whole story and telling him I was just as surprised. Oh it was so, so worth surprising him like that. It was one of the best moments in our marriage. Later I asked Talon how he didn't get what it was right away and he said he thought I was just doing something cute for date night. hahaha. Best surprise everrr.
We went out to eat and to a movie before little Leo came home and we were just as excited to tell him he was going to be a big brother even though he has no idea what he's in for. :)
Friday, April 13, 2018
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Choosing a name
Leo has been Leo to me long before he was born.
When I was in high school I swore that the name of my first-born son would be Luke. But slowly over the years that faded. Sometime when Talon and I were engaged I randomly heard the name Leo and thought to myself that I really liked that name. I made a mental note and went about my life, but the name continued to have a strong presence in my mind from then on. I thought about that name often as time went on and this time I knew for real that that name would be the name of my son.
I also knew I was going to have a boy first. I felt a connection to Leo long before he was born. When Talon and I were living in Texas I knew I wanted to have a baby soon because I knew Leo wanted to be here with us. When I got pregnant I knew it was a boy before we actually knew it was a boy and I knew it was Leo. When we did actually find out it was a boy I knew it was Leo.
Right after we did find out the gender we immediately began discussing names and Leo was at the top of the list for both of us as well as one other name. It was a very different experience than you often hear about when naming a baby. It came soooo easily to us. Within the hour of finding out we had our top two names. Just for the fun of it we discussed several names but it was always those two names we were choosing between.
But for me, as much as I liked the second name, I knew his name would be Leo. But I didn't want to make that decision on my own, I wanted Talon to be an equal part of it so I didn't tell him how strongly I felt about it.
I was really surprised one day when Talon and I went on a walk and he told me that the instant we found out our baby was a boy he had the second name come very, very strongly to him in his mind. Almost like he knew that that name would be the name of our son. And honestly, I LOVED (and still do) that other name so it didn't upset me at all, I just thought it was odd that we both felt so strongly about opposing names.
Throughout the rest of my pregnancy we discussed only those two names. Talon is the sweetest and always told me that ultimately the decision would be mine, since I would be doing all the "hard work," but I still wanted him to feel right about the name, especially since he felt so strongly about the other name. I didn't push it, just waited patiently and knew we would figure it out.
I was either 35 or 36 weeks when we took our birthing classes. In one of the classes the instructor was going over exactly what to expect at the hospital and included how after the baby was born the nurses would make a name card to put on the bassinet. Talon leaned over to me and said,
"And it will read L-e-o."
And it was the sweetest moment honestly. In the moment I just smiled and nodded but brought it up to Talon on the way home and asked him how he came to that decision and he said he didn't know, just that it felt right.
And it really did just feel so right. And it still does.
When I was in high school I swore that the name of my first-born son would be Luke. But slowly over the years that faded. Sometime when Talon and I were engaged I randomly heard the name Leo and thought to myself that I really liked that name. I made a mental note and went about my life, but the name continued to have a strong presence in my mind from then on. I thought about that name often as time went on and this time I knew for real that that name would be the name of my son.
I also knew I was going to have a boy first. I felt a connection to Leo long before he was born. When Talon and I were living in Texas I knew I wanted to have a baby soon because I knew Leo wanted to be here with us. When I got pregnant I knew it was a boy before we actually knew it was a boy and I knew it was Leo. When we did actually find out it was a boy I knew it was Leo.
Right after we did find out the gender we immediately began discussing names and Leo was at the top of the list for both of us as well as one other name. It was a very different experience than you often hear about when naming a baby. It came soooo easily to us. Within the hour of finding out we had our top two names. Just for the fun of it we discussed several names but it was always those two names we were choosing between.
But for me, as much as I liked the second name, I knew his name would be Leo. But I didn't want to make that decision on my own, I wanted Talon to be an equal part of it so I didn't tell him how strongly I felt about it.
I was really surprised one day when Talon and I went on a walk and he told me that the instant we found out our baby was a boy he had the second name come very, very strongly to him in his mind. Almost like he knew that that name would be the name of our son. And honestly, I LOVED (and still do) that other name so it didn't upset me at all, I just thought it was odd that we both felt so strongly about opposing names.
Throughout the rest of my pregnancy we discussed only those two names. Talon is the sweetest and always told me that ultimately the decision would be mine, since I would be doing all the "hard work," but I still wanted him to feel right about the name, especially since he felt so strongly about the other name. I didn't push it, just waited patiently and knew we would figure it out.
I was either 35 or 36 weeks when we took our birthing classes. In one of the classes the instructor was going over exactly what to expect at the hospital and included how after the baby was born the nurses would make a name card to put on the bassinet. Talon leaned over to me and said,
"And it will read L-e-o."
And it was the sweetest moment honestly. In the moment I just smiled and nodded but brought it up to Talon on the way home and asked him how he came to that decision and he said he didn't know, just that it felt right.
And it really did just feel so right. And it still does.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
My physical recovery
Recovering from giving birth was rough. Besides hardly being able to walk for days, and the intense back pain from the epidural and blood patch, I had the migraines to deal with. Talon had to help me in and out of bed and he had to help with a lot of other things. I'm so grateful for all that he did for me during that time. He took Leo to all of his appointments for me and really just did whatever I needed. My parents also did a ton to help us out. They cooked us dinner multiple times and cleaned our apartment and my dad even hung up a bunch of stuff around our place. All of them helped take care of Leo of course.
Those few weeks were really hard for me because I couldn't take care of Leo the way I wanted to. I couldn't stand and hold him at the same time because of the blood patch. I fed him of course, but I just couldn't interact with him at all because of the migraines. I felt bad too because I wanted to spend time with my family, but it was really hard to enjoy. The thing about post dural puncture migraines is despite the pain you're already in, anything you do other than lie down makes it worse, even sit up. I didn't look at my phone or any other screen for days because it hurt so much. Even the tiniest amount of light magnified the pain. In hindsight, I'm pretty sure the blood patch didn't worked because from what I've read it was supposed to make me feels loads better in a 24-hour time period. I probably should've gotten another one, but I guess I know that for next time, if it happens again.
After a few weeks the migraines finally subsided and it was a lot easier to get around. What lingered the most was the pain in my back from the epidural. Even to this day I still feel a twinge every now and then so I've been really careful about exercising, meaning I haven't started yet, haha. But it's been three months now and physically, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again so I will be jumping into physical activity soon.
Of course, all of this was and is worth it because I have my Leo here with me now, and he makes life better.
Those few weeks were really hard for me because I couldn't take care of Leo the way I wanted to. I couldn't stand and hold him at the same time because of the blood patch. I fed him of course, but I just couldn't interact with him at all because of the migraines. I felt bad too because I wanted to spend time with my family, but it was really hard to enjoy. The thing about post dural puncture migraines is despite the pain you're already in, anything you do other than lie down makes it worse, even sit up. I didn't look at my phone or any other screen for days because it hurt so much. Even the tiniest amount of light magnified the pain. In hindsight, I'm pretty sure the blood patch didn't worked because from what I've read it was supposed to make me feels loads better in a 24-hour time period. I probably should've gotten another one, but I guess I know that for next time, if it happens again.
After a few weeks the migraines finally subsided and it was a lot easier to get around. What lingered the most was the pain in my back from the epidural. Even to this day I still feel a twinge every now and then so I've been really careful about exercising, meaning I haven't started yet, haha. But it's been three months now and physically, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again so I will be jumping into physical activity soon.
Of course, all of this was and is worth it because I have my Leo here with me now, and he makes life better.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
The hospital stay
Oh the hospital stay. How was yours? Ours certainly wasn't enjoyable.
So after Leo was born and they took him to the NICU, I was finally able to eat. The hospital gave me a turkey sandwich, potato chips, grapes, and Oreos. This was hospital food, so the sandwich had a skinny piece of turkey and a leaf of lettuce smooshed between two pieces of plain bread. And let me just tell you that it was the absolute best sandwich and the absolute best dinner I have ever had in my entire life and I am not kidding about it one bit. I guess giving birth makes you kind of hungry.
Once I finished my dinner they took me and Talon down to the recovery room. Talon went with one of the nurses to be with Leo while they gave him his bath and all that jazz. I stayed in the room with the other nurse who made me answer all kinds of nonsense questions like my pain threshold and specifically what I needed my nurses to do for me, to which I replied "ummmmm, what you're doing is fine," and apparently that was not the right answer because she told me to be specific and so I said, "ummmmmm, be nice?" And apparently that was an acceptable answer, she even wrote it down. We then proceeded to check off a bunch of other uncomfortable post-labor things, which I won't get into here for obvious reasons.
It seemed like Talon was gone for hours. My in-laws had all come down to the hospital and they had been waiting for several hours while I was in labor and the NICU trip and a few other things postponed their stay and I felt bad they were waiting for so long. But they got to see Leo through the window in the nursery and saw him get his bath and all of that so that was good. I talked to my mother-in-law and then sister-in-law for awhile and then Talon finally came back with the nurse and with Leo. Leo! My baby, who I hadn't seen for more than twenty seconds since I gave birth to him was finally mine. I was too exhausted to have one of those unforgettable moments between mom and son but I will say that it just felt natural with him in my arms.
Shortly after my in-laws all packed in to our teeny-tiny room and everybody took turns holding Leo and taking pictures of him. The joy in that room was palpable. It was so late, like two in the morning, by the time they left. And next thing I know I woke up the next day when my nurse came in to check on me. Apparently Leo only slept for 19 minutes that night and Talon stayed up with him the rest of the night. I didn't know, I was knocked out, haha.
The rest of the stay was just stuffy, cramped and painful to be honest. It was nice to have our visitors who were just my parents, my older sister, one of Talon's aunts, and our good friend, Travis. Aside from their visits we were visited by nurses every twenty minutes. And yeah I get that it is their job but we had two nurses who were not communicating at all because they would alter coming in our room and asking the exact same questions and we really just wanted to be alone so we could rest. If it wasn't the nurses coming in every minute it was the lactation consultant or the pediatrician or someone from the hospital asking me to take a survey for them about my experience. It was just too much for us after what we had just been through and we were dying to go home.
We would've gone home had it not been for the complications that came up. So of course I wasn't feeling great after just having a baby but probably around midday of Wednesday (the day after I had Leo) I started getting a headache. I thought it was just because our room was stuffy and I had hardly gotten any sleep in two and a half days so I didn't say anything about it, but it began getting progressively worse in a very short amount of time. I finally said something to my nurse about it and she just brushed it off like it was no big deal. I told her about it a few more times and she still didn't think much of it (we weren't big fans of her). That night the migraine was unbearable and so I told Talon who told my nurse, and this time we had a different nurse because they had switched shifts, and she actually took it seriously and gave me a stronger medicine to help me sleep.
I woke up on Thursday feeling better and so I thought that was the end of that but only about an hour later I had another unbearable migraine. By this point we were back to the other nurse who wasn't taking it seriously and we weren't too happy about that. I mentioned it to her again and finally this time she listened so she got me some stronger medication and then left me and Talon alone for hoursssssssss and let us sleep. When I woke up I again felt better but this time just a few minutes of the light and an attempt to walk around sent with it another blaring migraine and I knew that something was wrong and that this wasn't normal. When I told the nurse she mentioned something about my charts saying that some of my spinal fluid may have leaked while the epidural was being administered and that she would go get the anesthesiologist to check on me.
The anesthesiologist came and explained to me that while it's rare, there are times when spinal fluid leaks during the epidural procedure and that it can cause migraines just like what I was having because apparently spinal fluid is toxic to the rest of your body. He wasn't the same anesthesiologist who gave me my epidural so he had to go get in contact with him to see what had actually happened. All of the waiting was excruciating. I've had migraines before and I'd say I typically have a high tolerance for pain but I couldn't handle these. Unfortunately, all I could do was wait. When he came back he confirmed that my spinal fluid had leaked and that that was what was causing the migraines.
He gave me two options: 1. I have a blood patch, which is basically the same procedure as an epidural except they take some of your own blood and inject that into the same spots where the epidural was injected. The blood is supposed to act like a scab and seal the area so that spinal fluid doesn't continue to leak. The downside to this is that it's extremely delicate and can easily pop open. If I decided to get the blood patch I wouldn't be able to lift anything or do anything remotely strenuous for a couple of weeks. Even coughing, sneezing, and going to the bathroom can pop it open. If it pops open you would have to get another one or suffer through the migraines. When he told me this I immediately dismissed the idea because no sneezing? Seriously? It just didn't seem like a realistic choice. Until he told me the other option. 2. I lay flat on my back in a completely dark room with no noise whatsoever for two weeks. Seriously? This was even more unrealistic than the first option. So, I went with the blood patch.
The anesthesiologist administered the blood patch and then I had to lie down for an hour before I could move or do anything. Once the hour was up my nurse came in and mentioned that in her two years of working she had never had a patient that this had ever happened to. I guess that's why she wasn't taking me seriously. But I found that odd, that I was the first patient of her's to have this so I looked it up and the chances of getting a post dural puncture headache are minuscule. And when I say minuscule, I mean like less than one percent. So if I scared you about getting an epidural, don't worry. Anyways, after the whole thing Talon and I kinda laughed about it, like honestly, what are the odds that I would be a part of the half percent out of like the bajillions of epidurals that are administered.
Anyyywaysss, after the blood patch we were so ready to go home but it took awhile longer before we could leave. We finally got out of there close to 10 p.m. and were so relieved. We both felt awful at this point. Me, because I just had a baby, obvi. And Talon, because he got a really bad headache because of teeny-tiny, stuffy hospital room. The second we stepped outside and breathed the fresh air we both felt a ton better. My parents drove us home because Talon was so exhausted.
It was so surreal to carry our new baby inside of our apartment. And even though I felt absolutely terrible, I was so extremely happy to finally have him with us.
So after Leo was born and they took him to the NICU, I was finally able to eat. The hospital gave me a turkey sandwich, potato chips, grapes, and Oreos. This was hospital food, so the sandwich had a skinny piece of turkey and a leaf of lettuce smooshed between two pieces of plain bread. And let me just tell you that it was the absolute best sandwich and the absolute best dinner I have ever had in my entire life and I am not kidding about it one bit. I guess giving birth makes you kind of hungry.
Once I finished my dinner they took me and Talon down to the recovery room. Talon went with one of the nurses to be with Leo while they gave him his bath and all that jazz. I stayed in the room with the other nurse who made me answer all kinds of nonsense questions like my pain threshold and specifically what I needed my nurses to do for me, to which I replied "ummmmm, what you're doing is fine," and apparently that was not the right answer because she told me to be specific and so I said, "ummmmmm, be nice?" And apparently that was an acceptable answer, she even wrote it down. We then proceeded to check off a bunch of other uncomfortable post-labor things, which I won't get into here for obvious reasons.
It seemed like Talon was gone for hours. My in-laws had all come down to the hospital and they had been waiting for several hours while I was in labor and the NICU trip and a few other things postponed their stay and I felt bad they were waiting for so long. But they got to see Leo through the window in the nursery and saw him get his bath and all of that so that was good. I talked to my mother-in-law and then sister-in-law for awhile and then Talon finally came back with the nurse and with Leo. Leo! My baby, who I hadn't seen for more than twenty seconds since I gave birth to him was finally mine. I was too exhausted to have one of those unforgettable moments between mom and son but I will say that it just felt natural with him in my arms.
Shortly after my in-laws all packed in to our teeny-tiny room and everybody took turns holding Leo and taking pictures of him. The joy in that room was palpable. It was so late, like two in the morning, by the time they left. And next thing I know I woke up the next day when my nurse came in to check on me. Apparently Leo only slept for 19 minutes that night and Talon stayed up with him the rest of the night. I didn't know, I was knocked out, haha.
The rest of the stay was just stuffy, cramped and painful to be honest. It was nice to have our visitors who were just my parents, my older sister, one of Talon's aunts, and our good friend, Travis. Aside from their visits we were visited by nurses every twenty minutes. And yeah I get that it is their job but we had two nurses who were not communicating at all because they would alter coming in our room and asking the exact same questions and we really just wanted to be alone so we could rest. If it wasn't the nurses coming in every minute it was the lactation consultant or the pediatrician or someone from the hospital asking me to take a survey for them about my experience. It was just too much for us after what we had just been through and we were dying to go home.
We would've gone home had it not been for the complications that came up. So of course I wasn't feeling great after just having a baby but probably around midday of Wednesday (the day after I had Leo) I started getting a headache. I thought it was just because our room was stuffy and I had hardly gotten any sleep in two and a half days so I didn't say anything about it, but it began getting progressively worse in a very short amount of time. I finally said something to my nurse about it and she just brushed it off like it was no big deal. I told her about it a few more times and she still didn't think much of it (we weren't big fans of her). That night the migraine was unbearable and so I told Talon who told my nurse, and this time we had a different nurse because they had switched shifts, and she actually took it seriously and gave me a stronger medicine to help me sleep.
I woke up on Thursday feeling better and so I thought that was the end of that but only about an hour later I had another unbearable migraine. By this point we were back to the other nurse who wasn't taking it seriously and we weren't too happy about that. I mentioned it to her again and finally this time she listened so she got me some stronger medication and then left me and Talon alone for hoursssssssss and let us sleep. When I woke up I again felt better but this time just a few minutes of the light and an attempt to walk around sent with it another blaring migraine and I knew that something was wrong and that this wasn't normal. When I told the nurse she mentioned something about my charts saying that some of my spinal fluid may have leaked while the epidural was being administered and that she would go get the anesthesiologist to check on me.
The anesthesiologist came and explained to me that while it's rare, there are times when spinal fluid leaks during the epidural procedure and that it can cause migraines just like what I was having because apparently spinal fluid is toxic to the rest of your body. He wasn't the same anesthesiologist who gave me my epidural so he had to go get in contact with him to see what had actually happened. All of the waiting was excruciating. I've had migraines before and I'd say I typically have a high tolerance for pain but I couldn't handle these. Unfortunately, all I could do was wait. When he came back he confirmed that my spinal fluid had leaked and that that was what was causing the migraines.
He gave me two options: 1. I have a blood patch, which is basically the same procedure as an epidural except they take some of your own blood and inject that into the same spots where the epidural was injected. The blood is supposed to act like a scab and seal the area so that spinal fluid doesn't continue to leak. The downside to this is that it's extremely delicate and can easily pop open. If I decided to get the blood patch I wouldn't be able to lift anything or do anything remotely strenuous for a couple of weeks. Even coughing, sneezing, and going to the bathroom can pop it open. If it pops open you would have to get another one or suffer through the migraines. When he told me this I immediately dismissed the idea because no sneezing? Seriously? It just didn't seem like a realistic choice. Until he told me the other option. 2. I lay flat on my back in a completely dark room with no noise whatsoever for two weeks. Seriously? This was even more unrealistic than the first option. So, I went with the blood patch.
The anesthesiologist administered the blood patch and then I had to lie down for an hour before I could move or do anything. Once the hour was up my nurse came in and mentioned that in her two years of working she had never had a patient that this had ever happened to. I guess that's why she wasn't taking me seriously. But I found that odd, that I was the first patient of her's to have this so I looked it up and the chances of getting a post dural puncture headache are minuscule. And when I say minuscule, I mean like less than one percent. So if I scared you about getting an epidural, don't worry. Anyways, after the whole thing Talon and I kinda laughed about it, like honestly, what are the odds that I would be a part of the half percent out of like the bajillions of epidurals that are administered.
Anyyywaysss, after the blood patch we were so ready to go home but it took awhile longer before we could leave. We finally got out of there close to 10 p.m. and were so relieved. We both felt awful at this point. Me, because I just had a baby, obvi. And Talon, because he got a really bad headache because of teeny-tiny, stuffy hospital room. The second we stepped outside and breathed the fresh air we both felt a ton better. My parents drove us home because Talon was so exhausted.
It was so surreal to carry our new baby inside of our apartment. And even though I felt absolutely terrible, I was so extremely happy to finally have him with us.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Leo's birth story
October 18th, 2016 was my official due date. But if I could've guessed any day my baby would be born on, October 18th would've been my last guess.
We went to bed at midnight and I woke up at 2 a.m. with a cramp. I fell back asleep and woke up 10 minutes later with another one. Fell back asleep and yep, ten minutes later woke up again. By 3 a.m. the "cramps" were around seven to eight minutes apart. I called them "cramps" because that's exactly what it felt like to me and I honestly didn't think anything of it. So I didn't wake up Talon. Over the next hour the contractions became stronger and then weaker. They came closer together and then farther apart. I still didn't think anything of it. Talon woke up around four because he could hear me breathing through a contraction. He asked me what was wrong so I told him what had been going on over the last two hours but that it was nothing and for him to go back to bed. He sat right up and started asking me all kinds of questions because he was pretty sure that I was in labor. I insisted that I wasn't and told him I was too tired to try and time them. He grabbed my phone and said he'd do it.
Over the next two and a half hours Talon timed my contractions, and although they were coming very consistently around four to six minutes apart and were getting pretty strong, I still insisted I wasn't in labor. Because what was happening was not at all what I expected to happen, so I just thought that this couldn't be it. Talon kept saying we should go to the hospital and I kept saying no because I didn't want to get there and have them send us home. I kept telling Talon not to get his hopes up but I knew his hopes were higher than high. He said later that he knew I was in labor just because it felt different to him. He just knew.
Anyways, around six thirty I decided to take a shower, which really helped with the pain, and by that point I was kind of coming around to the idea that this actually might be happening, but really I think I was in denial. After the shower I packed the remaining items we would need for our hospital stay, just in case. I'm kind of laughing to myself right now as I recount this experience because every four minutes I was doubled over in pain, trying to breathe, rocking back and forth, and occasionally crying. Yet I was convinced I wasn't in labor. Haha. The contractions were pretty consistent and had been for several hours so even though he knew, Talon decided to call my doctor just to hear what he had to say. He probably did this because he knew I would need to hear from a medical professional that I needed to go to the hospital. Sure enough, they told us to go and get checked, so as much as I didn't want to, we were heading to the hospital.
Talon said he wanted to give me a priesthood blessing before we went. The only thing I can remember from it was that I would have a strength I didn't know I had, one that was beyond just myself. Also, that I would gain a better understanding of my Savior's Atonement and to lean on Him and on my Heavenly Father. The blessing gave me peace, but it also made me nervous because I knew I was in for a long day.
I remember thinking absolutely nothing, in a strange way, on our five-minute drive to the hospital. It was like my mind was numb, but really I think I was in complete terror. When we got there they gave me a wheelchair to sit in and I felt so weird because I thought I didn't need it. Once we were checked in we were taken to the delivery room where I was told to change into my hospital gown. I awkwardly climbed into the hospital bed and felt so weird about it. The nurse came in and began asking us all kinds of questions. That took awhile, but once she was finished she checked me and I was so, so nervous. I prayed so hard that I would be far enough along to be able to stay. I knew I had made some progress since Friday, the last time I was checked, because it didn't hurt as bad when she was checking me. She said, "oh yeah, you're a good four and a half (centimeters). You've got my vote to stay." I was excited, nervous, and relieved but it wasn't a sure thing we were staying. The nurse told me she would come back in an hour to see if I had progressed any farther and then the doctor would make a decision.
She left us and I just looked at Talon, like this is really it?! The next hour went by slowly as every four minutes I closed my eyes and squeezed Talon's hand to get through the contractions. The nurse came in a couple of times to see how I was doing and to ask a few more questions. Every time she came in I was in the middle of a contraction. I really hate when people know that I am in pain or know that I am sick. I don't know why, I just get really embarrassed about it. This was one of my biggest fears about giving birth. I would always tell Talon, "I don't want to scream." Not because it's bad, you do what you gotta do, especially while in labor, but like I said, I just get embarrassed over that kind of thing. So when the nurse would come in I would try to be really calm during my contractions. The nurse said she wished all her patients were like me and Talon, which I write only for remembrance sake. Once the hour was over she checked me again and I had progressed to a five so she said we could stay and that she would let my doctor know. I couldn't believe it, my baby was coming!
The next several hours were filled with contractions of course. Talon's brother brought him Chick-fil-a and Talon was so sweet, he didn't want to eat in front of me so he faced the wall and was shoving fries into his mouth and drinking his lemonade. I knew he was so hungry and was worried about me so I told him I didn't mind if he ate in front of me, and I really didn't. He felt bad but I told him I just really needed him by my side and that I needed him to eat so that he was feeling his best so that he could help me get through this. He ate and felt much better and then contacted both of our families to let them know what was going on.
So the epidural. I knew I wanted one, but I was nervous about it. And for whatever reason my terror of being in labor made me think that getting an epidural would slow down my progress or something. Also, my contractions were strong and close together and lasting longer, but they were manageable and so I thought I should just hold off until I really couldn't tolerate them anymore. The nurse kept coming in and asking if I wanted my epidural and I kept saying I wanted to wait. Hahahaha. I know now that I waited wayyyyyyyyy too long to get it. My doctor came in eventually and eased my nerves about the whole thing and I finally agreed to get one, mostly because it had been about four hours and I was still stuck at a five. It was so frustrating when they would tell me I was still at a five after I had just endured an hour of very painful contractions. We waited for the anesthesiologist and I was so relieved when the door opened, but alas, it was just the nurse and my doctor. They told me the anesthesiologist was busy and that it would be a little longer but offered me a different medication they could administer through my IV to hold me over until he was done. I agreed to it of course.
I started to shake uncontrollably because I was so nervous. I was trying so hard to be calm but felt like I was going to burst into tears. My nurse told me to try not to stress because that could slow down my progress, which only made me more nervous of course. As my nurse administered the medication my doctor said I would feel it hit me in my head and that it would be a very relaxing feeling. He was so right because about twenty seconds after the nurse administered it, I felt it exactly as he said and within a minute my body completely relaxed. I turned to Talon and said, "I've never felt this relaxed in my entire life!" And he laughed really hard at that, but it was true!
I was really glad I was able to get that medication before the anesthesiologist came in to administer the epidural because it kept me calm when he finally did come in. And the epidural really wasn't that bad. (Well it did end up causing me some trouble after giving birth, which I'll talk about in another post.) It didn't hurt much at all and it didn't take long before it kicked in, and once it did holy moly, what a difference! I couldn't feel any more contractions the rest of the time I was in labor. So yeah, next time I will definitely be getting the epidural as soon as I possibly can.
I probably had the epidural in around five and my doctor broke my water once it kicked in. I didn't feel a thing. He told me that should help things progress. I thought it would be smooth sailing from there, but not even close. The next couple hours were fine. I just laid there and didn't even try to sleep because although my body felt calm from the medication, my mind was not calm at all. I was so scared and nervous about what was about to happen. The nurse came in a couple times and I had only progressed to about a six and a half, it was so frustrating. But she told me it was normal and that often it takes women a long time to progress to a five and they often get stuck there, but once they get past it things can move along very quickly. Because of that she told me if I start to feel pressure to call her and let her know because it could mean I was getting very close to show time. She was right.
The other thing she noticed when she checked me was how much hair baby boy had. But also, that baby was posterior. She said I didn't need to worry and she gave me a birthing ball in the shape of a peanut that I put in between my legs. Somehow it's supposed to turn the baby into the right position.
Okay so the next two hours were terrible. Terrible. Almost immediately after the nurse left I began to feel a lot of pressure and it was so beyond uncomfortable I literally thought I was going to die. Talon was by my side and I kept crying to him and telling him I couldn't do it, that I didn't want to do it anymore, and that I felt like I was dying. Talon called the nurse about 10 minutes after she left to come check me and I had progressed to a seven, in 10 minutes! She reminded me to call her if I started feeling pressure again. This time about 30 minutes had passed when I began feeling the almost unbearable pressure. I cried more to Talon and he kept reassuring me that I could do it and then he called the nurse again. This time I was at an eight and she told me it wouldn't be long now. All of that happened between seven and eight o'clock.
The next hour was more of the same of what happened the last hour. By nine o'clock I was fully dilated and ready to push. Pushing was odd because I was completely numb from the waste down. I just tried to listen to the nurse and when she would tell me I was doing a good job then I would try to replicate what I was doing, even though I really had no clue what I was doing right. I had been pushing for a little while when the nurse put me on oxygen because baby boy wasn't responding very well when I would push. I really hated that oxygen mask because it would dry out the inside of my nose every time I inhaled. And it just made me nervous. Anyways, I kept pushing and every so often would hear the nurse tell me how much hair the baby had. She kept saying if I looked down I would be able to see when I pushed but I was like, uhhhh hello, big stomach here blocking my view, plus no thanks, I don't want to look and I'm kinda trying to focus over here. But she kept saying it and even offered me a mirror. No thanks. I know Talon was encouraging me, but during that hour and with every push I was really focused inward. I relied on my Savior for strength and was in a state of constant prayer, asking my Heavenly Father to help me.
Around 9:40/9:45 (I'm guessing) the doctor came in and I was ready to deliver...oh wait. He noticed that the baby was still posterior. The nurse was certain she had flipped him earlier and that was why she had me begin pushing. I could hear a tiny bit of concern in their voices but I wasn't worried. The doctor said, "well, since you've already been pushing we'll just have to roll with it." Okay, cool. So I continued pushing for about ten or fifteen minutes and I was really running out of energy, but right as I felt I couldn't push anymore he came out. I saw him briefly and then threw my head back on my pillow and started balling. Talon said, "aw, babe are you crying because that's your son?" And I said, "Um, no, because I'm done!" Hahaha and that was the honest truth. I was so exhausted and in complete shock of what I had just been through that honestly I wasn't even thinking about my baby. Talon cut the cord and I knew they were cleaning him up and weighing him and all that but I was just so out of it I could really only focus on calming myself down.
I delivered my placenta just a minute or two later and began shaking uncontrollably. And I mean uncontrollably. Plus I began getting some feeling back in my lower body and became uncomfortable. They gave me more of that magical medicine I received before my epidural and again, it worked like a charm. Because baby was posterior I tore a little bit and also had a minor episiotomy so my doctor began stitching me up and I was completely calm during it. I was still exhausted and out of it but overheard the nurses saying that the baby was having trouble breathing. They talked to my doctor and they decided he needed to go to the NICU but that it was nothing serious and that he shouldn't be there for more than an hour. They brought him over to me to hold for about a minute just so I could see him, and then they took him. I was never worried about my boy, I knew he was supposed to be here and that he would be okay.
The nurse and my doctor told me what a good job I did. They said posterior babies usually make it a lot more difficult for the moms because it feels like you're pushing out a baby that is at least two pounds heavier. They also said it usually takes woman several hours to push out a posterior baby, especially if it's their first one. But I'd never had a baby before, plus I was numb so it really made no difference to me in the moment. I don't know why it only took me an hour to push, I was just trying to follow the nurse's and doctor's instructions, but I'm certainly glad it didn't take any longer than that, that's for sure.
The doctor congratulated us and then left. I asked the nurse what time the baby was born and she said 10:00 p.m. on the dot. I thought it was a little funny he came on my due date and exactly on the hour. I guess he likes to be punctual.
So that's the story! Leo Sione Leakehe has changed our lives forever and we are so happy.
(P.S. Little Leo was born in the same hospital as his daddy.)
(P.P.S. Little Leo was born in the same hospital as his mommy.)
We went to bed at midnight and I woke up at 2 a.m. with a cramp. I fell back asleep and woke up 10 minutes later with another one. Fell back asleep and yep, ten minutes later woke up again. By 3 a.m. the "cramps" were around seven to eight minutes apart. I called them "cramps" because that's exactly what it felt like to me and I honestly didn't think anything of it. So I didn't wake up Talon. Over the next hour the contractions became stronger and then weaker. They came closer together and then farther apart. I still didn't think anything of it. Talon woke up around four because he could hear me breathing through a contraction. He asked me what was wrong so I told him what had been going on over the last two hours but that it was nothing and for him to go back to bed. He sat right up and started asking me all kinds of questions because he was pretty sure that I was in labor. I insisted that I wasn't and told him I was too tired to try and time them. He grabbed my phone and said he'd do it.
Over the next two and a half hours Talon timed my contractions, and although they were coming very consistently around four to six minutes apart and were getting pretty strong, I still insisted I wasn't in labor. Because what was happening was not at all what I expected to happen, so I just thought that this couldn't be it. Talon kept saying we should go to the hospital and I kept saying no because I didn't want to get there and have them send us home. I kept telling Talon not to get his hopes up but I knew his hopes were higher than high. He said later that he knew I was in labor just because it felt different to him. He just knew.
Anyways, around six thirty I decided to take a shower, which really helped with the pain, and by that point I was kind of coming around to the idea that this actually might be happening, but really I think I was in denial. After the shower I packed the remaining items we would need for our hospital stay, just in case. I'm kind of laughing to myself right now as I recount this experience because every four minutes I was doubled over in pain, trying to breathe, rocking back and forth, and occasionally crying. Yet I was convinced I wasn't in labor. Haha. The contractions were pretty consistent and had been for several hours so even though he knew, Talon decided to call my doctor just to hear what he had to say. He probably did this because he knew I would need to hear from a medical professional that I needed to go to the hospital. Sure enough, they told us to go and get checked, so as much as I didn't want to, we were heading to the hospital.
Talon said he wanted to give me a priesthood blessing before we went. The only thing I can remember from it was that I would have a strength I didn't know I had, one that was beyond just myself. Also, that I would gain a better understanding of my Savior's Atonement and to lean on Him and on my Heavenly Father. The blessing gave me peace, but it also made me nervous because I knew I was in for a long day.
I remember thinking absolutely nothing, in a strange way, on our five-minute drive to the hospital. It was like my mind was numb, but really I think I was in complete terror. When we got there they gave me a wheelchair to sit in and I felt so weird because I thought I didn't need it. Once we were checked in we were taken to the delivery room where I was told to change into my hospital gown. I awkwardly climbed into the hospital bed and felt so weird about it. The nurse came in and began asking us all kinds of questions. That took awhile, but once she was finished she checked me and I was so, so nervous. I prayed so hard that I would be far enough along to be able to stay. I knew I had made some progress since Friday, the last time I was checked, because it didn't hurt as bad when she was checking me. She said, "oh yeah, you're a good four and a half (centimeters). You've got my vote to stay." I was excited, nervous, and relieved but it wasn't a sure thing we were staying. The nurse told me she would come back in an hour to see if I had progressed any farther and then the doctor would make a decision.
She left us and I just looked at Talon, like this is really it?! The next hour went by slowly as every four minutes I closed my eyes and squeezed Talon's hand to get through the contractions. The nurse came in a couple of times to see how I was doing and to ask a few more questions. Every time she came in I was in the middle of a contraction. I really hate when people know that I am in pain or know that I am sick. I don't know why, I just get really embarrassed about it. This was one of my biggest fears about giving birth. I would always tell Talon, "I don't want to scream." Not because it's bad, you do what you gotta do, especially while in labor, but like I said, I just get embarrassed over that kind of thing. So when the nurse would come in I would try to be really calm during my contractions. The nurse said she wished all her patients were like me and Talon, which I write only for remembrance sake. Once the hour was over she checked me again and I had progressed to a five so she said we could stay and that she would let my doctor know. I couldn't believe it, my baby was coming!
The next several hours were filled with contractions of course. Talon's brother brought him Chick-fil-a and Talon was so sweet, he didn't want to eat in front of me so he faced the wall and was shoving fries into his mouth and drinking his lemonade. I knew he was so hungry and was worried about me so I told him I didn't mind if he ate in front of me, and I really didn't. He felt bad but I told him I just really needed him by my side and that I needed him to eat so that he was feeling his best so that he could help me get through this. He ate and felt much better and then contacted both of our families to let them know what was going on.
So the epidural. I knew I wanted one, but I was nervous about it. And for whatever reason my terror of being in labor made me think that getting an epidural would slow down my progress or something. Also, my contractions were strong and close together and lasting longer, but they were manageable and so I thought I should just hold off until I really couldn't tolerate them anymore. The nurse kept coming in and asking if I wanted my epidural and I kept saying I wanted to wait. Hahahaha. I know now that I waited wayyyyyyyyy too long to get it. My doctor came in eventually and eased my nerves about the whole thing and I finally agreed to get one, mostly because it had been about four hours and I was still stuck at a five. It was so frustrating when they would tell me I was still at a five after I had just endured an hour of very painful contractions. We waited for the anesthesiologist and I was so relieved when the door opened, but alas, it was just the nurse and my doctor. They told me the anesthesiologist was busy and that it would be a little longer but offered me a different medication they could administer through my IV to hold me over until he was done. I agreed to it of course.
I started to shake uncontrollably because I was so nervous. I was trying so hard to be calm but felt like I was going to burst into tears. My nurse told me to try not to stress because that could slow down my progress, which only made me more nervous of course. As my nurse administered the medication my doctor said I would feel it hit me in my head and that it would be a very relaxing feeling. He was so right because about twenty seconds after the nurse administered it, I felt it exactly as he said and within a minute my body completely relaxed. I turned to Talon and said, "I've never felt this relaxed in my entire life!" And he laughed really hard at that, but it was true!
I was really glad I was able to get that medication before the anesthesiologist came in to administer the epidural because it kept me calm when he finally did come in. And the epidural really wasn't that bad. (Well it did end up causing me some trouble after giving birth, which I'll talk about in another post.) It didn't hurt much at all and it didn't take long before it kicked in, and once it did holy moly, what a difference! I couldn't feel any more contractions the rest of the time I was in labor. So yeah, next time I will definitely be getting the epidural as soon as I possibly can.
I probably had the epidural in around five and my doctor broke my water once it kicked in. I didn't feel a thing. He told me that should help things progress. I thought it would be smooth sailing from there, but not even close. The next couple hours were fine. I just laid there and didn't even try to sleep because although my body felt calm from the medication, my mind was not calm at all. I was so scared and nervous about what was about to happen. The nurse came in a couple times and I had only progressed to about a six and a half, it was so frustrating. But she told me it was normal and that often it takes women a long time to progress to a five and they often get stuck there, but once they get past it things can move along very quickly. Because of that she told me if I start to feel pressure to call her and let her know because it could mean I was getting very close to show time. She was right.
The other thing she noticed when she checked me was how much hair baby boy had. But also, that baby was posterior. She said I didn't need to worry and she gave me a birthing ball in the shape of a peanut that I put in between my legs. Somehow it's supposed to turn the baby into the right position.
Okay so the next two hours were terrible. Terrible. Almost immediately after the nurse left I began to feel a lot of pressure and it was so beyond uncomfortable I literally thought I was going to die. Talon was by my side and I kept crying to him and telling him I couldn't do it, that I didn't want to do it anymore, and that I felt like I was dying. Talon called the nurse about 10 minutes after she left to come check me and I had progressed to a seven, in 10 minutes! She reminded me to call her if I started feeling pressure again. This time about 30 minutes had passed when I began feeling the almost unbearable pressure. I cried more to Talon and he kept reassuring me that I could do it and then he called the nurse again. This time I was at an eight and she told me it wouldn't be long now. All of that happened between seven and eight o'clock.
The next hour was more of the same of what happened the last hour. By nine o'clock I was fully dilated and ready to push. Pushing was odd because I was completely numb from the waste down. I just tried to listen to the nurse and when she would tell me I was doing a good job then I would try to replicate what I was doing, even though I really had no clue what I was doing right. I had been pushing for a little while when the nurse put me on oxygen because baby boy wasn't responding very well when I would push. I really hated that oxygen mask because it would dry out the inside of my nose every time I inhaled. And it just made me nervous. Anyways, I kept pushing and every so often would hear the nurse tell me how much hair the baby had. She kept saying if I looked down I would be able to see when I pushed but I was like, uhhhh hello, big stomach here blocking my view, plus no thanks, I don't want to look and I'm kinda trying to focus over here. But she kept saying it and even offered me a mirror. No thanks. I know Talon was encouraging me, but during that hour and with every push I was really focused inward. I relied on my Savior for strength and was in a state of constant prayer, asking my Heavenly Father to help me.
Around 9:40/9:45 (I'm guessing) the doctor came in and I was ready to deliver...oh wait. He noticed that the baby was still posterior. The nurse was certain she had flipped him earlier and that was why she had me begin pushing. I could hear a tiny bit of concern in their voices but I wasn't worried. The doctor said, "well, since you've already been pushing we'll just have to roll with it." Okay, cool. So I continued pushing for about ten or fifteen minutes and I was really running out of energy, but right as I felt I couldn't push anymore he came out. I saw him briefly and then threw my head back on my pillow and started balling. Talon said, "aw, babe are you crying because that's your son?" And I said, "Um, no, because I'm done!" Hahaha and that was the honest truth. I was so exhausted and in complete shock of what I had just been through that honestly I wasn't even thinking about my baby. Talon cut the cord and I knew they were cleaning him up and weighing him and all that but I was just so out of it I could really only focus on calming myself down.
I delivered my placenta just a minute or two later and began shaking uncontrollably. And I mean uncontrollably. Plus I began getting some feeling back in my lower body and became uncomfortable. They gave me more of that magical medicine I received before my epidural and again, it worked like a charm. Because baby was posterior I tore a little bit and also had a minor episiotomy so my doctor began stitching me up and I was completely calm during it. I was still exhausted and out of it but overheard the nurses saying that the baby was having trouble breathing. They talked to my doctor and they decided he needed to go to the NICU but that it was nothing serious and that he shouldn't be there for more than an hour. They brought him over to me to hold for about a minute just so I could see him, and then they took him. I was never worried about my boy, I knew he was supposed to be here and that he would be okay.
The nurse and my doctor told me what a good job I did. They said posterior babies usually make it a lot more difficult for the moms because it feels like you're pushing out a baby that is at least two pounds heavier. They also said it usually takes woman several hours to push out a posterior baby, especially if it's their first one. But I'd never had a baby before, plus I was numb so it really made no difference to me in the moment. I don't know why it only took me an hour to push, I was just trying to follow the nurse's and doctor's instructions, but I'm certainly glad it didn't take any longer than that, that's for sure.
The doctor congratulated us and then left. I asked the nurse what time the baby was born and she said 10:00 p.m. on the dot. I thought it was a little funny he came on my due date and exactly on the hour. I guess he likes to be punctual.
So that's the story! Leo Sione Leakehe has changed our lives forever and we are so happy.
(P.S. Little Leo was born in the same hospital as his daddy.)
(P.P.S. Little Leo was born in the same hospital as his mommy.)
Thursday, October 27, 2016
The rest of the pregnancy
I started this blogging thing again back in June I think and haven't posted since then. Haha, I have no idea why. Anyways, I'm trying to document my life since being pregnant, which is now over, so I have to backtrack with my mind a little bit and record what I can since halfway through my pregnancy.
So! Finding out we were having a boy was a turning point for me. Mostly because before he was just an "it." He was just a baby, but not even really that yet. There was no identity to him and I had a hard time feeling connected with him in any way. Up to that point he had only been something that was making me physically miserable day in and day out. Once I heard "it's a boy" I immediately felt so much better about everything. Okay so it's a he! I was having a son and now I could prepare for that.
The next few months were us shopping for the baby and getting our place ready. I was also in school through August so that kept us pretty busy, especially with Talon working nights again. Plus I was still not feeling well most of the time. Pregnancy was so hard on me physically. I was nauseated every single day and exhausted and a big stomach isn't the best thing for a bad back. It was rough but it never scared me away from wanting to get pregnant again in the future.
I had two baby showers. One, in my hometown in Sacramento, and the other here in Utah. Both were super special and it was so nice to be buoyed up with support from so many family and friends. Baby and I were totally spoiled with gifts and love and it just made my heart burst.
As my due date drew nearer my anxiety became stronger and the whole "nesting" thing became so real. I had a piece of paper covered with thighs to do before the baby arrived and it seemed like I added to it daily. The thing was I kept putting it all off because I always felt awful and had no energy. But before I knew it there was four weeks until my due date and I hadn't done anything on the list. I kicked it into gear and forced myself to get things done. Most of the list were things that really didn't need to be done but I just felt like they needed to be. So each day Talon and I worked on the list and it was definitely a miracle because we got every single thing done about a week and a half before the baby made his debut. FYI if you didn't already know, crossing things off a to-do list is probably one of the most satisfying things a human being can experience. Not joking.
So I really thought the baby would come early and everyday that passed that he wasn't here made me disappointed. My anxiety was also mounting because I was so scared about giving birth and being a mom. It was so overwhelming. The waiting game for anything is bad enough but waiting to go into labor with your first child is probably at the very top of the list.
The funny thing, I've noticed as I've written this post, is that I've really forgotten how terrible I felt each day during my pregnancy. I remember being sick and exhausted, but I can't remember how it felt. Funny how that works.
Before I knew it, it was October 17th, the day before my due date and Talon and I spent the day walking around stores trying to put myself into labor with no such luck. When we got home that night I was crying to Talon about how scared I was and how I was worried he would never come, etc. All the normal things. But as Talon played me songs on his guitar and we talked I knew somewhere deep inside of me that this was it! That those moments and that night were going to be the last we would share just the two of us.
We went to bed at midnight on October 18th, and two hours later it all started.
So! Finding out we were having a boy was a turning point for me. Mostly because before he was just an "it." He was just a baby, but not even really that yet. There was no identity to him and I had a hard time feeling connected with him in any way. Up to that point he had only been something that was making me physically miserable day in and day out. Once I heard "it's a boy" I immediately felt so much better about everything. Okay so it's a he! I was having a son and now I could prepare for that.
The next few months were us shopping for the baby and getting our place ready. I was also in school through August so that kept us pretty busy, especially with Talon working nights again. Plus I was still not feeling well most of the time. Pregnancy was so hard on me physically. I was nauseated every single day and exhausted and a big stomach isn't the best thing for a bad back. It was rough but it never scared me away from wanting to get pregnant again in the future.
I had two baby showers. One, in my hometown in Sacramento, and the other here in Utah. Both were super special and it was so nice to be buoyed up with support from so many family and friends. Baby and I were totally spoiled with gifts and love and it just made my heart burst.
As my due date drew nearer my anxiety became stronger and the whole "nesting" thing became so real. I had a piece of paper covered with thighs to do before the baby arrived and it seemed like I added to it daily. The thing was I kept putting it all off because I always felt awful and had no energy. But before I knew it there was four weeks until my due date and I hadn't done anything on the list. I kicked it into gear and forced myself to get things done. Most of the list were things that really didn't need to be done but I just felt like they needed to be. So each day Talon and I worked on the list and it was definitely a miracle because we got every single thing done about a week and a half before the baby made his debut. FYI if you didn't already know, crossing things off a to-do list is probably one of the most satisfying things a human being can experience. Not joking.
So I really thought the baby would come early and everyday that passed that he wasn't here made me disappointed. My anxiety was also mounting because I was so scared about giving birth and being a mom. It was so overwhelming. The waiting game for anything is bad enough but waiting to go into labor with your first child is probably at the very top of the list.
The funny thing, I've noticed as I've written this post, is that I've really forgotten how terrible I felt each day during my pregnancy. I remember being sick and exhausted, but I can't remember how it felt. Funny how that works.
Before I knew it, it was October 17th, the day before my due date and Talon and I spent the day walking around stores trying to put myself into labor with no such luck. When we got home that night I was crying to Talon about how scared I was and how I was worried he would never come, etc. All the normal things. But as Talon played me songs on his guitar and we talked I knew somewhere deep inside of me that this was it! That those moments and that night were going to be the last we would share just the two of us.
We went to bed at midnight on October 18th, and two hours later it all started.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
IT'S A BOY
We had waited for what seemed like forever to find out the gender of our baby! Talon said he never had any feelings either way because he didn't want to get his hopes up and be let down. He would've been happy with either. I, on the other hand, only had thoughts, dreams, visions, and feelings of BOY, BOY, BOY. But not because I didn't want a girl, but because over the last couple of years I have had this connection with a little spirit I just knew was my son! It's something personal and special that God has allowed me to experience.
The closer it got to us finding out, the more nervous I became. I just knew it was a boy since I got pregnant but then I started realizing, hey it's a 50/50 chance here and you could very well be carrying a little girl! I hadn't really prepared my mind for that. So when our 20 week ultrasound came I was so excited, but so nervous to find out if we were going to have a son or daughter. When we started the appointment it took forever for the nurse to tell us the gender because she was looking at all the other parts of the baby first. It was really fun though to see MY little baby rolling around inside of me. The nurse kept saying, "Wow, that baby is really squished in there, doesn't look like it has a lot of room." Sorry, baby.
And it was kind of comical as well because during the whole thing I would think to myself, "oh look, there's my baby's face. How cute!" And the nurse would say, "And here we have the stomach..." Oh, whoops. Okay, well it all just looked like a big blob then and I couldn't decipher what was what at all. haha. I kind of started to disengage a little bit just because we were in there for SO long and she kept taking the same pictures over and over because she was training and Talon and I just kept looking at each other like, "c'mon already!" Finally the nurse says, "WOW...okay...um I feel pretty confident in saying it's a boy!" And I just started crying because oh my goodness, this connection I've had for the past couple of years was real and now he is going to be a part of my life and that is so special! And Talon just laughed and started smiling and we were both so, so happy!
We left the appointment and were just so thrilled. I immediately called my mom and told her and then my dad and his reaction was probably the funniest. When I told him it was a boy he goes, "YESSSSSSS. YESSSSSSSS." Ha, he has four daughters.
I told the rest of my family and we went straight to the Baby Gap so we could buy a little boy outfit to wrap and take to Talon's family to surprise them! That was so much fun and everyone is so excited and we are so happy and grateful that our little boy is loved by so many already!
I may or may not have slept with a tiny baby sock last night...
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